I'll begin with saying that I have not been in a real relationship in about... 4 years. I couldn't tell you how they began, or anything like that, because I feel like I'm so... inexperienced.
At this point, I also feel like I'm immune to heart break.
That's a lie.
I feel as though I should feel like I'm immune to heart break.
I've never cheated on anyone, I've never lied to them, and I've never felt like I had something to hide when I was in a relationship. Maybe I'm just naïve.
This is going way back, and I shouldn't still dwell on this, but I've had friends "steal" boyfriends before. Like, best friends. Multiple times. In high school it would happen so quickly; we'd break up, and 3 days later my friend would have "feelings" for my ex, and need to know if I was "okay" with them going for it.
Let me put it this way: would I ever do that to you?
In my little world, once one of my friends, especially best friends, has gone out with a guy, or even just crushed on a guy, that guy is immediately off my radar. And up until recently I have never knowingly done anything with a guy who has a girlfriend--keyword, knowingly. And even that was just kissing.
I'm a very forgiving person. I understand that for a guy to cheat it is their responsibility, not the girls. However, it can fall on the friend if they are in that situation. I repeat, I'm a very forgiving person. I can immediately name 3 people who have "done me dirty" and I can truthfully say that I forgave them without ever saying a word. I received one sincere apology, and at the time of the "incident" she and I weren't even close friends.
Ever since high school I've had one specific incident that has made my stomach churn. My ex (my first "serious" relationship) left me for my best friend. Not only that, but began their relationship while he was still with me. My friend started the relationship and thought nothing of it, and still has yet to acknowledge that she may have hurt my feelings. Now, this was junior year of high school, but it still hurts knowing that she thought nothing of it. And we're still best friends.
Recently I learned that there has been a secret kept from me. I'm not sad, upset, or intimidated at all because I don't feel threatened by it, and I'm sorry if the other does feel that way. What bothers me about it is that he feels as though it has to be a secret from me. At the risk of being a creeper, which for the record I did not find that on my own but it was a slip of someone's tongue, I do want to tell him "hey, do what you want, I'm not around enough to care to stop you." But, that will never happen. However, in this case, I will admit that I am a little hurt by it. Just a tiny bit, because I really did care about him. How do I say "is there something you want to tell me?" and have him know that I don't care, as long as it's only me when I'm around?
I also learned, in a separate situation, that I was the first "other girl" for someone. I had no idea, and then I was told that I should watch myself. If I had known, I never would have given him a chance. Even though I'm not a friend of hers, I hope she realizes that it's all on him, not that I'm dodging blame.
It would be nice if all of that was easy said and done, but it's not. I wish I could rip out feelings and concerns and make them someone else's problems instead of my own, but I can't.
On a final note, I'm happy I graduated. Even if drama follows me like a shadow wherever I go, I can choose when I want to deal with it since I'm not confined to such a small area with such a small group of people.
